Empress Sassy

posted by EmpressSassy on Nov 29

No wonder they broke up!

Ken
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245

Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
December 23, 1998

Dear Santa:

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically
asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks
were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take
this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs
and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential
treatment - the bitch has everything. Along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, I DO NOT have
a dream house, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style. I
personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length.

My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered “Decorator Ken”, “Beauty Salon
Ken”, or “Out Of Work Actor Ken”? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be
considered such as “S&M Ken” , “Green Lantern Ken”, “Circuit Ken”, “Bear Ken”, “Master Ken”.
These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie
needing bendable arms so she can “push me away,” I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to
the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we’ve talked about this
issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result
in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he’s mine, at least
that’s what he said last night.

Sincerely,

Ken

posted by EmpressSassy on Nov 29

Diary Of A Snow Shoveler

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can
there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the
best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and
felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks
and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect
life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely
have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says
we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to
see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice
man. I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature
dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took
my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon
and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do
quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this
way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes
out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an
hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets
on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit
it to her. God I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m
freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the damn
stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came
by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the
only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and
they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re
lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and
bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white shit fell today, and it’s so cold it probably
won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to
go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed,
pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire
Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he
says he’s too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23: Only 2″ of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is
she…nuts??? Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says
she did but I think she’s damn well lying.

December 24: 6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a
bitch who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his
balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour
and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife
wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents,
but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I
hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is
driving me crazy!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does
he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a
million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her
mother . 9″ predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they
keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

posted by EmpressSassy on Nov 29

Barbie
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245

Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
December 23, 1996

Dear Santa:

Listen you ugly little troll, I’ve been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas
Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many
tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT’S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had
better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I’m gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and
trust me, you won’t wanna be around to smell it). So, here’s my holiday wish list for 1998:

Santa:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I’m sick of looking like a hooker.
How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels
like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to
cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man…maybe GI Joe. Hell, I’d take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what’s with that earring anyway? If I’m gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don’t care whose arm you have to twist, get it done.

6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don’t cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet,
a public relations senior account exec!

8. A new, more 2007 persona. Maybe “PMS Barbie”, complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; “Animal Rights Barbie”, with my very own paint gun,
outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or “Stop Smoking Barbie,” sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald’s endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It’s been 37 years–I think I deserve it.

Ok, Santa, that’s it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don’t think these requests are out of line.
If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas.

It’s that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie

posted by EmpressSassy on Nov 28

I watched this last night and it was pretty funny. Martin Short delivers every time no matter what movie he’s in. His role as Jack Frost was great and putting him with Tim Allen made it better. The bloopers at the end we’re pretty good too. It still wasn’t as good as the first one, but hey, it was cute. Bernard it missing, the head elf because he’s a big star now on Numbers but other than that the original cast is back and it was a cute film for kids. Good for the holidays!

posted by EmpressSassy on Nov 27

If you are married if you understand this entry:

Hanging Lights

Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of
the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship?
Psychiatrists claim the other two danger zones are teaching your
mate to drive and wallpapering. They are rarely wrong on these
things. We therefore rush to print with an emergency prompt list
of Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.

- “You’ve got two red lights right next to each other, dummy.
You’re supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow,
red, red, green, blue…”

- “Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try.”

- “What the heck do you do to these lights when you put them away
every year? Tie them in knot?”

- “Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I’m going to fry
that sucker.”

- “If you’re not going to do it right, don’t do it at all. Don’t
just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You’re worse than
your father.”

- “Give me that!”

- “You’ve got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric
pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the
top.”

- “I don’t care if you have found another two strings, I’m done!”

- “You’ve just wound ‘em around and around - I thought we agreed
it shouldn’t look like a spiral this year?”

- “Have you been drinking?”

- “Where’s the cat?”

This is classic and so very, very, true.

posted by EmpressSassy on Nov 26

SCHIZOPHRENIA
Do you Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER
We Three Queens Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA
I Think I’ll Be Home for Christmas

NARCISSISTIC
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and
Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire
Hydrants and…..

PARANOID
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER
You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll tell you
Why.

DEPRESSION
Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock ……..
….(better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it
all away).

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

posted by EmpressSassy on Nov 25

And so it begins…………….the putting up of the tree, the hanging of the garland, the pulling out of the boxes. Do I have enough lights? Where did I put the extra bulb “thingys” that I say I’m going to save every year when the strands go out? Damn why didn’t I take the time to wrap these lights up nice and neat last year? Oh wait I remember because I was sick to death of the holiday season by the time I packed this crap away last time. Tis the season to be jolly!

Right in the midst of decorating I had to contend with getting my heater fixed (two trips from the heater guy not one - BONUS FOR ME) and just for extra fun, plumbing problems in my basement. I swear to God this house it cursed. I owe it all to a certain person who said, “Oh don’t pay to have your house inspected, you’re dating me and I will look at everything and whatever issues you are having I will take care of. Then of course I will tell you once you are two weeks into the new house that I’m leaving your sorry butt for another girl!” Valuable lesson ladies, never listen to a man when it comes to something you’re solely putting your name on. He is in a new house that he can of course take care of because he is the handiest man I know and I’m in the cursed house with no one to help me fix it. Lovely and at holiday time but am I bitter? No not at all, I’m filled with holiday joy just for him!

Anyway, my tree is up and my house is decorated but I’m flat broke and about to be even more broke with plumbing issues. Happy Holidays to me!

posted by EmpressSassy on Nov 24

posted by EmpressSassy on Nov 22

I am thankful for my best friend today and he knows who he is. Funny, no matter what kind of day I’m having he always seem to just accept me the way that I am and he probably doesn’t even know it but he always help my mood. He always manages to come through for me and I hate that I can’t ever seem to repay him the way that I need to. On this Thanksgiving Day I truly am thankful to have a person in my life that I love, cherish and hope to have around for the rest of my life. He is the single, most important person in my life.

Ironically someone once tried to tell me that I needed to learn what “real love” was all about and the funny thing is; he didn’t have a clue. Real love comes in all different ways to you and I’ve been fortunate to have real love in my life more than once and I’m grateful for that more than most people will ever realize.

If you have someone that is that special to you, make sure they know before it’s too late. If you haven’t told them, tell them the next time you see them. Don’t let the moment pass. Life is too short.

AND, to my best friend in the whole world, I love you and I thank you for accepting me for who I am and always being there for me in my sad, boring, dramatic, needy, little life that I lead.

Thank you and Happy Thanksgiving!

posted by EmpressSassy on Nov 22

For those of you that know me my air conditioner went out this summer and it was a nightmare getting it fixed because of the warranty company. I finally ended up; after countless arguments and two companies later, getting a complete new air conditioner AND furnace at the end of summer right when the heat wave broke and I didn’t need it any longer. I know, totally ironic. However I had a brand new furance all ready for winter. I of course, sassy as always made the comment to many that “just wait the first cold night and I know the new furnace won’t work.” The guys assured me that it would as they had tested it several times.

Well here we are Thanksgiving night, it’s really cold and the pilot light won’t light and no one in my family can get it to light. My niece even has one just like it so my brother-in-law has started hers but OF COURSE mine isn’t doing what the instructions are saying they are supposed to do and the gas won’t seem to feed to the heater.

Here we are, thankful on this day for so many things but freezing to death and I KNEW this would happen. This money pit of a house cracks me up each and every time I turn around.

Now I can call the warranty company tomorrow and get yanked around tomorrow for 2-3 days while it’s freezing or I can just call a company here in town and spend money tha I absolutely DO NOT HAVE to fix it now. Gee, what should I do. Well I have a 2 year old so guess what I have to make the call first thing in the morning and pretend I have money.

Loving this day. Just wanted to vent about my forever money pit of a house.